


you never see it coming when the world caves in on you

by timelessphan



Category: Phan, Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF), dan and phil
Genre: Angst, Implied/Referenced Suicide, SAD SAD SAD AF, Sad, dan misses phil, dan without phil :(, it's so fucking sad, phil dies (technically), someone shoot me for writing this, ugh why did I write this, you may be triggered by the graphic-ness of dan's vocabulary and descriptions, you may cry (i know i did)
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2015-09-05
Packaged: 2018-04-19 05:49:52
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,740
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4734881
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/timelessphan/pseuds/timelessphan
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>(trigger warning)</p><p>what happens when phil dies and dan just wants to forget him, but can't?</p><p>otherwise known as the one where dan deals with phil's death by using incredible words</p>
            </blockquote>





	you never see it coming when the world caves in on you

**Author's Note:**

> don't kill me
> 
> title from a song on the Cars (disney/pixar) soundtrack i'm laughing

Oblivion - (n.) the state of being unaware to everything that is happening around you

“Dan,” Louise said.

Dan looked up, a blank look permanently etched onto his once-smiling face.

“It’s okay, you know that? You have us. We’re here, if you need us.” She reassured, placing a comforting hand on his arm.

Dan felt himself nod, but on the inside, he was screaming that no one knew and that Phil was the only person he had, but he was gone now and that the moment he needed anyone that was standing in the cemetery, crying over someone they didn’t truly know, they wouldn’t be there.

Louise smiled at him and walked (shaking slightly) to where Zoe and Alfie were standing, not talking but silently knowing that the other was there and they were so happy to have them.

Dan was sitting on the grass, in front of a shining tombstone, staring at the ground.

Dan hadn’t talked in about two weeks, except in the one video he had posted about taking a break for a few months while he recovered from the situation. He stumbled over the words and couldn’t bring himself to say Phil’s name. His voice cracked like a pubescent teenager from little use when he had to speak.

His throat was constantly dry and he always felt like he’d cry any moment, but tears never came.

It was as if Phil had taken his heart to the grave with him, a souvenir from when he was alive.

“May I sit?” A pair of feet had arrived next to Dan.

Dan nodded, knowing from the voice exactly who it was, although he hadn’t talked to him in a while.

“You’re worse than Mum,” Martyn said.

Dan’s mouth twitched as if he were going to smile but thought better of it.

He tied two pieces of grass together, like he used to do as a child.

Martyn sat cross-legged next to him, gazing at Phil’s grave.

“You’re not the only one allowed to be sad, you know.” Martyn pointed out. “We’re all upset but we haven’t stopped talking. You know he wouldn’t want you to be this upset.”

Dan didn’t respond, but Martyn hadn’t expected him to.

Martyn patted Dan’s leg as he got up to go back to his parents.

Dan considered purposely driving his car off of the side of a bridge as he sat on the grass, not caring what was happening.

He vaguely remembers a butterfly landing on him because he was sitting so still and a bee buzzing around his ear.

At one point, heat lightning crackled across the sky and Dan looked up at it.

He almost smiled.

Hiraeth - (n.) a homesickness for a home that can never return or never was

“Phil, you’ll never gue-” Dan stopped himself abruptly, seeing the coffee mug still on the counter, and the dishes piled in the sink.

“Oh, yeah,” Dan whispered. He tried to laugh at his mistake but it sounded choked and forced and overall as if he were about to cry.

It had been over a month since Phil had gone.

Twitter and Tumblr had died down a lot in the past month, but people were still crying and wishing Phil hadn’t… but Dan was trying to move on.

He didn’t want to think about his best friend at a time like this. He was supposed to be happy right now, he had just hit ten mil on danisnotonfire!

Usually, they do something fun when they hit a new thousand of subs, but Phil wasn’t here.

Dan pulled out a bottle of wine that they kept for special occasions like this, and went to open it.

Surely this would take his mind off of Phil.

Dan’s hands were trembling as he set the bottle down on the counter, gripping it as the silence sunk through him.

He missed Phil’s hugs, the way he talked, that little tongue thing he did when he smiled.

Dan wrapped his arms around his own waist and hunched over, staring at the tile on the floor. Underneath him was another tile that had cracked. He didn’t throw up, although he desperately wanted to from this feeling in his chest, but he was hit with a wave of nostalgia over Phil.

Dan wasn’t quite in the mood for celebrating anymore.

Meraki - (v.) to leave a part of yourself in your work

Dan found himself watching Phil’s channel like he used to (almost religiously) when he was just a fan.

He started from the beginning and watched, waiting for a video where the light in Phil’s eyes faded to nothing.

It never did.

Phil was always happy and sincere and wonderful in every aspect. The light never left his shining eyes, which made Dan wonder why he killed himself.

Watching the videos made Dan feel like Phil was just a room over, like old times.

Dan almost walked into the room across from his for nostalgic reasons.

Two months after Phil’s demise and Dan was still living. It wasn’t his choice to live, but he didn’t want anyone to find his body like he had found Phil’s.

Really, he had no clue why he was still alive, because he felt as if he didn’t have a purpose anymore.

Still, though. He continued to wash his mugs and turn on the fireplace to hear something domestic. He watched anime and didn’t dare turn on Buffy, because he wasn’t sure if it would feel right watching it without Phil.

He had cleaned out Phil’s things a week ago, but had kept a few things: his dozens of packets of stickers, his comforter, his favorite socks, and his popcorn maker (sure, Dan was sad, but he was still himself).

Phil was planning on making a video with Dan, which was going to be PINOF 9, but had killed himself before doing so.

Dan set up his camera.

Time to get the sharpie and draw some cat whiskers.

Toska - (n.) A sense of great spiritual anguish, often without a specific cause. A longing with nothing to long for.

Dan sat on the couch, staring at the blank TV.

He turned to talk to Phil, but his eyes were trained on a small dark spot on the rug.

He had obviously missed a spot when cleaning the floor after his death.

How did Phil even acquire a gun?

Sometimes Dan wishes Phil was still alive, but other times he hopes that Phil is happy with death and how he died.

Sometimes Dan has nightmares about it, but that’s understandable. Who wouldn’t have nightmares about your best friend’s suicide?

Sometimes Dan imagines Phil’s last thoughts, and what or whom they were about.

Were his last thoughts about Dan, or how he was sorry? Or was he thinking that maybe after he died, he’d finally like cheese and be able to eat anything with milk in it, all the time? Was he thinking about his parents or his brother? Maybe he was just thinking about pulling the trigger.

Were his hands shaking? Was he standing or sitting? How long had he had the gun, the bullets, the nerve to kill himself?

Dan doesn’t know, but he misses Phil with all his heart.

Iktsuarpok - (n.) The feeling of anticipation when you’re waiting for someone to show up at your house and you keep going outside to see if they’re there yet but they never are

Dan kept looking out the window, and he didn’t know why. 

There was a feeling deep his chest like anxiety, but less nerve-wracking. 

He lowered his head for a few minutes and went back to reading, but found himself staring out the window again.

He sighed to himself, as if he were waiting for someone and they just hadn’t arrived yet.

He had found himself a new apartment (a small house, actually) because he couldn’t bear the thought of Phil dying in the old one.

He lived alone, but he almost bought a dog. Emphasis on ‘almost.’ He was in the pet store, he was choosing a name for the dog and working up the courage to ask the worker how much the dog cost, but then he saw an ambulance racing by the store and he went outside to see where it was going.

Then he lost his train of thought (on the dog) and went home.

Although he knew Phil was gone, he kept seeing him everywhere.

There was a man walking outside his house now.

Dan knew it wasn’t Phil, but he kept watching the man asked he walked away, the way he walked reminded him of the way Phil pattered into the lounge sleepily three months ago, yawning.

Dan cursed as he knocked over his coffee onto his lap in his absentmindedness.

He frowned as he moved his book to a dry spot on the chair he was sitting on.

His eyes flicked over the picture on the mantle and then returned to stare at it.

His mouth turned up at the corners when he looked at the picture on the mantle of him and Phil in PINOF 4, the one where he made that terrible face.

He was getting better.

Ya'aburnee - (n.) May you bury me

Dan was sitting in the same spot he had sat in four and a half months ago.

He was staring at the slightly-less shiny tombstone this time rather than at the grass.

“So… uh… I miss you. A lot.” Dan says in a shaky voice.

“I filmed a Dil video a few days ago… I’m not sure if I’m going to continue filming things that we used to do together without you sitting there next to me, making stupid jokes.

“I sang ‘Mirror Butt’ in my head when I made him take a steamy shower - which was an accident, of course.

“I also made him propose to Tabitha, no matter how slow you wanted their relationship to be.

“While filming that episode, I noticed how much Tabitha looked like you, and Dil so much like me.” Dan sniffed, telling himself that he would not cry.

“I was going to bring you flowers… but I forgot. I came here and dug through my backpack for something and found your Mini-Groot. So… I’m going to leave that here instead of flowers. I kind of took it as a sign, to be honest; Mini-Groot just showing up out of nowhere the moment I remembered that I wanted to leave something for you.

“I - um - wanted to come see you today because I felt really lonely. There’s a new YouTuber duo that everyone is referring to as ‘The New Dan and Phil’ and I laughed because you would too, and you would say that no one could replace us because we’re best friends, but you’re dead and I’m crying and Dil is getting married…” Dan knew he was rambling, but he didn’t care. He knew he was choked up and that tears were streaming down his face (just like Wasd).

He knew Phil wasn’t here. He didn’t believe in ghosts. Phil wasn’t listening, invisibly.

Oh, but how Dan wished he was.

Mokita - (n.) The truth we all know but agree not to speak of

“Hello Internet.” Dan said.

“It’s nice to see you… or… hypothetically see you. You may be wondering why I’m filming a video on Phil’s channel, but if you read the title, then you understand perfectly.

“Today, with the help of some friends, I’ll be making a tribute to Phil and explaining to you the context of his death.” Dan’s words stumbled as he tried to make himself say death but tried to prevent himself from saying it at the same time.

“First,” he said, “I want to tell you what happened just a year ago, when I came home and… found Phil.”

Dan took a few deep breaths, his lips trembling.

“I was down at the shops, and Phil had texted me that I shouldn’t come home. Naturally, I headed back to the apartment after checking out just in case something horrible was happening.

“At this point, I was worried. Why didn’t he want me to come home? Did he not like me anymore? Had he found a new best friend? Was he having the sex? I didn’t know, but I went back home to make sure he was alright.”

Dan flinched when the picture came back to him.

“Phil…” He said, his voice shaking, “Was in the lounge, a gun to his head by his own choice. I had the grocery bags in my hands, and I had walked into the lounge, calling his name. I looked at him, and he stared back at me.

“The grocery bags fell to the floor, the milk carton broke open and poured out onto the floor, creating a small flood, just as Phil closed his eyes and pulled the trigger.”

Dan’s eyes closed at the painful memory and he struggled to open them.

“Phil hadn’t wanted me to come home so I didn’t see him die.”

Dan looked down at the floor, and stayed quiet for a few moments.

“This is the part where Phil walks through the door and I laugh because you guys believed our prank for the past year.”

Dan looked straight into the camera, smiling a little bit at the thought of that happening and the storm that would erupt everywhere.

His smile died.

“Except… that’s not going to happen. Every thing that has happened to me and my friends and to you guys is real. Phil’s dead. I’m crying. And we’re all trying to let it go.”

Dan mentally made a note to put a picture of Elsa in that frame with some comic sans text.

“Now, with the help of my friends, we’re remembering Phil so we can forget. We’re remembering so we don’t feel hurt anymore.”

Dan held up a small plushie lion.

“The first lion.” He smiled. “The very first quirk I ever saw in Phil was his love for lions. He had hundreds in his room that you guys never even saw, but I was bombarded with every day.”

A person sat down next to Dan on Phil’s bed.

“Phil was one of my really good friends,” PJ said. “I always admired his ability to make others smile no matter how bad he was feeling at that time. I didn’t know how bad he felt up until he killed himself. I always thought he was sad in intervals, but turns out, his sadness was inescapable. It was like a monster, but he kept making people happy. I will always admire Phil.”

PJ was replaced on the bed (thanks to editing) by Louise.

“Phil was the weirdest person I knew, closely followed by you, Daniel, but it was the best kind of weird I could imagine. He made me laugh with his random animal facts, and he make me cry of laughter when he said offhand comments under his breath. Phil didn’t seem like the person who made comments under his breath at first glance, but I grew to know him as the biggest smart-ass, excuse my language, on the planet.”

Louise morphed (kind of like a Doctor Who regeneration) into Zoe, who explained that Phil: “Always made her laugh and that she wished to be just like him when they became good friends because he was just that great.”

Dan’s smile grew wider with every YouTuber that spoke about Phil.

Finally, the last person was talking about Phil. 

“Phil and I had some weird times together,” Tyler explained. “He was wonderful. I looked up to him, and not just because I’m shorter than the giant was. I never saw him alone, he always had a group with him, even if that ‘group’ was just Dan. I liked Phil because he made everyone around him feel good. I think he never really wanted to die, but he just thought that he needed to stop feeling sad. That’s why I think he killed himself. He’d never leave Dan alone, first of all. Second, he just wanted to be okay, and not sad, so if dying meant that he’d feel better, he saw that as his best option. I don’t like his choice, but I think he knew that he’d be happy. I think he knew that there was some way that he’d see everyone again, even if ghosts and afterlives don’t exist. It wasn’t goodbye. Not really.”


End file.
